Wookiemonster's Log

I saw this Time article posted by a friend on Facebook: How Married Are You?

Okay, so, I'm not married and not even in a relationship at the moment. Though perhaps some of my frustrations are because of my somewhat unique attitudes to the issues mentioned in the article, and yet, I am single and often passed over. Granted, this may be changing... Still, I have learned much in the last four years (and am admittedly itching to put theory into practice)...

Let's look at this article point by point, shall we?

First, the article header, talking about "post-romantic marriage...based on obligation, partnership, and...convenience."

Ummm... In reality, this has been the case for most of history. I mean, it's only been a couple of centuries since betrothal went out of vogue, though, it's still pretty popular in some cultures today. Most often, unions were conceived for financial, political, or social gain. All too often, both partners had extra-marital affairs with the people they truly cared about, and fucked their legal spouse to produce legitimate children to solidify their union, be an heir to their estate or whatever. In many ways, we still have this, as guys are taught to chase after borderline anorexic women with big boobs and who will be "obedient," and women are taught to attract good-looking, strong, rich, powerful men. Because this would lead to a happy union of fiscal security and social acceptability. (*cough*conformity*cough*)

Looking at some of the factors of my past relationship... Her parents' disapproval of me was a BIG factor. And why did they disapprove of me? Let's see... I had ambitions of being a writer, I worked in a "non-professional" job (and making less than my ex), and I wasn't a "stud." Oh, and they made the age difference a big deal, too, convinced that at some point, I was going to dump her and go after some freshman on campus. Fact is, they wanted someone who made enough money so that their daughter didn't have to work and someone who conformed enough to their ideals that they could show off to their family.

The Semi-Happy Marriage...

Kind of like friends or business partners. Ooookay... Well, friendship should be a factor in any kind of marriage. Business partners? Well, two heads working out the finances are better than one. Basically, this is the average of all the averages... Not bad, but not good. It's lacking pizazz. To me, it sounds far too much like the "typical" marriage. Or stagnate relationship. Lacking passion. If you get to this point, both partners need to talk, get rid of outdated Victorian attitudes about sex, pick up a new hobby, travel... Something! Every relationship goes through complacency times, which sometimes are a good break, but too much of it, and then you begin to wonder what the point of it all is. Life is an adventure, you have a partner... Go adventuring!

Admittedly, this has been a problem for me in past relationships. I do tend to get complacent. What's worse, I knew I was getting complacent, but lacked the necessary communication skills to acknowledge and address the problem. Hopefully, this area for me has been improved. Or at least, since I'm more aware of it, I might be better equipped to deal with it.

The Parenting Marriage...

"Staying together for the kids." This section of the article took some time for me to parse, wondering if the author left out a few words or something. Back in the day, nurses raised the kids, or someone in the village essentially ran a day care. Nowadays, we...kind of have the same thing, or at least, the wealthy do. Those of us lazy poor people have to take care of our own kids. Or, in some cases, rely on the schools to teach kids manners and such. Raising kids can be a very consuming endeavor. Somehow, my parents got it right. They knew the value of shipping me and my sister off to a relative or something to have time to themselves every now and then. They knew the value of maintaining communication between themselves. Yes, they participated in Marriage Encounter, which has a lot to do with communication and brings up a very important point: while raising kids is important, there is also great importance in maintaining your relationship with your spouse. Because kids grow up, and then when they are on their own, you realize you're married to a stranger, which usually ends in divorce. Hence, you need to give the relationship its due attention whilst taking care of the kids.

Again, drawing on my experience from my last relationship... The ex's parents wanted her to move back to Milton so that she'd still be home and they could focus on still being parents rather than dealing with the fact that they had two grown kids and needed to work on their own damn lives. Hence, some of the meddling they did.

Workhorse Wives...

I blame society for this one. The gender roles assigned play a large role in women with a career doing far more than her fair share. Actually, I tend to take exception when a woman identifies herself as "just" a housewife. Being a housewife, a homemaker, is probably one of the most stressful jobs there is. Gods know I and my sister made it a full-time job with constant overtime and no pay. Now, both on TV and in real life, all too often we see the husband get home from work and start to veg out in front of the TV, claiming he's been working all day, is tired, and just wants to relax. Besides, housework is the woman's job, right? Gods, what a dickhead! Get off your ass, give your wife twenty minutes to herself, because, guess what? She's been working all day, too! Set the godsdamned table while she finishes up dinner, feed the pets, help her clean up afterwards or, at the very least, distract the kids and keep them from making more of a mess while she takes care of the clean up, then double-team the kids to get them in bed, and then you can have a few hours to veg out, talk, or whatever.

One of the things about this section that really pisses me off is the idea that the wife is the breadwinner because the husband is pursuing some sort of art. Granted, the examples I've seen are more from authors and not painters or musicians, but the authors I have interacted with on the interwebs are involved with their kids, help their wives, and a good number of them also have a daytime job. I really dislike the way this article makes the male artist out to be a self-serving dick when I know so many examples of guys who aren't afraid to help out with the chores and the kids. In fact, puppetmaker40's recent postings about her marriage with a certain favorite author of mine are...quite awesome. The way the two of them help each other out is awesome, and their daughter will likely be someone who can and will be an awesome influence on the world when she grows up. Other examples of artist guys who completely blow the stereotype out of the water would be jimhines and daytonward. Sirs, you are a credit to the male population. In my book (pun intended), you are the Real Men of the 21st Century (and 23rd Century, 24th Century, 13th Century...).

Ed McMahon Syndrome...

This one is another society FAIL! Also, a communication FAIL! Possibly also a religion FAIL! with regards to religious dictates that wives submit to their husbands.

The Semimarried...

Okay, this one is just...confusing. On the one hand, it sounds like an open marriage or relationship. On the other, it sounds like a condition of the present economy and environment. I don't really have a comment for this one.

Now, I know that many people reading this have been married, divorced, remarried, and so on. My intent is not to criticize, offend, or anything. But this article really grated on my nerves, since I think some of its causes and perceptions are erroneous, and that there is way too much influence of what is expected by society and what is conveyed to us from when we're kids as to what to expect about marriage and so on. Oh, and we're worried about gay marriage eroding the sanctity of marriage...

This next bit applies only to me and my experiences and thoughts on marriage. As such, it's worth exactly what you're paying for it, which is a whopping $0.00.

When I was struggling with the break-up between me and She Who Shall Not Be Named about four years ago, a good friend of mine who was counseling me had stated that the relationship I had with the ex was different from a marriage. Though recently, she told me that, given some of what the ex told me, including the promise we made to each other that we would always try to work things out instead of one of us just summarily ending the relationship, that she had revised her earlier statement and that, while we weren't married, the level of commitment expressed wasn't too far off. And this friend is someone who had been married, divorced, and remarried with a much successful second marriage.

So...what would marriage mean for me? Interestingly, as I write this, I realize it's pretty much what I promised my ex: to always try to work things out. Though in the last four years, I think I'd expand on that and clarify: To realize that passion waxes and wanes. To understand that things won't always be easy. To accept that we won't always agree on something. To know that there will be bad days and good days. To try to understand the other person and make myself understood. To not run away just because something didn't go as planned, that mistakes were made, that somebody got hurt. It is a commitment to having and being a partner to someone on this adventure called life. It's an acknowledgment that I've allowed someone into my head, and been allowed into someone else's head. And heart.

The actual marriage ceremony? Two things. First, I am publicly declaring the above promises. Second? I am warning anyone who causes harm to my wife, to my partner, to my best friend, to make their peace with whatever Deity they believe in, because I will likely swear by my pretty floral bonnet to end them.

Just my $0.02...